Benjamin Dean, 3
Interview with Benjamin Dean
My body carries some deeply embedded memories from childhood. I was beaten and psychologically abused as a kid. I suppose you could have beaten someone else and had different results. Anyway, I took it personally. It has been hard to dissolve a lot of boundaries dues to fear and mistrust, etc. I have had a slow steady upward moving kundalini working on my energy centers over the course of years.
In 2001 it was in my heart. In 2005 it was in my throat chakra. It is now working on third eye and crown. I feel it when I meditate. I go right back to work where I left off. The benefits are immediate and carry over into my day to day life. I see things change around me circumstantially that reflect my– I want to call it “focused allowing”.
Last year we were in Portland, Oregon and I had another significant breakthrough. I was reading “As One Is” by Krishnamurti and “Be as You Are” by Ramana Maharshi. I was also reading some Gurdjieff. Anyway, I have been using Ramana’s “I” thought technique for stilling the mind. I have been looking for an effective technique for years although it occurs by itself in deep meditation. This too was synchronistic as I was ready to more attentively still the mind. I have a very resistant intellectual side that is hanging on tight.
My progress has been slow and steady because I am a comprehensive guy. When I embrace something I do it totally. Right now there is a tension in my left eye that it moving out. I sit on the couch and meditate next to my wife at night while she reads and I will whimper and cry or flail my arms emotionally with twitches and heavy breathing just letting go of all the old pain. My left eye will twitch and free itself. Images flash of me having to keep my eyes steady while telling my Mother a boldface lie. Afterward, the light of the sun seems to shine that much more beautifully.
I want to address your question on moral fiber. I like Chuang Tsu’s Taoist answer to this. I cannot recall the parable he uses but essentially someone at some point heralded another's actions as great. By contrast everyone else naturally feels a bit less than. Soon there are groups that venerate and condemn. This is the birth of good and evil. Before that things just happened. It is a group mentality– a societal thing. I believe that one of the reasons it is very difficult to give up organized religion is because of this. Folks are afraid of rampant lawlessness.
It takes a great deal of clarity and understanding to see the inherent morality alive and working in nature. We might not want to call it morality. Perhaps balance and harmony are better words. I was writing a comment on a philosophy blog the other day that got others a little hot under the collar. I compared how leaning over the Grand Canyon feels uncomfortable due to the lack of balance and that it also feels unbalanced to hurt others. Our feelings are our guide, but then try to share that with the folks at the office.
This stuck out for me..."I have a very resistant intellectual side that is hanging on tight."... I see this a lot as very "dominant" "impediment" for men, and women identified strongly with intellectual ego, etc. in the waking up process... and I see a great purpose in it, as well... not something that needs definition. It is your acknowledgment of it that aids the dissolution, 'I suppose'... and quite necessary, of course... to have been "there”.
"My left eye will twitch and free itself. Images flash of me having to keep my eyes steady while telling my Mother a boldface lie. Afterward, the light of the sun seems to shine that much more beautifully." I wish to say something here, that you will either 'take in or not'... makes not a difference. Can you see that you have never lied in all of your life experience? And that no one ever has?
Absolutely. I totally get that. We cannot help but exude our personal truth. It is in keeping with what I spoke about regarding good and evil. Thank you for the reminder. It felt very kindhearted.