Doreen Connors, 3
Interview with Doreen Connors
So what I think I am hearing from you is that although it is difficult to convey you would like to try and share it... am I getting this right? If you need help in finding a starting point, then I suggest you start with the nature of your resistance.
I have decided to forward You some writing I did last fall. Let me preface this by saying that many changes have occurred since I first wrote this. I feel it necessary, now, to edit the piece to reflect these “changes.”
I want to give voice to the part in me that is trying to hold the interview together in some manageable form, structured in an accessible way, and at the same time I want you to feel free to give sufficient clarity to this.
I AM getting the clarity that revisiting this by writing NOW what you feel serves us both better than to forward previous writings. Here is an attachment of Doreen's Previous Writings on her Awakening Experience.
You mentioned a resistance and I find it interesting that rather than simply write extemporaneously, you would offer past writing instead. I hope you understand what I am getting at. In this moment you can distill and clarify all of these things for me (and yourself). Can we do that instead? If we go back to a response of a few sentences ago this will liley bring in both a bit of containment and focus.
Assuming you are okay with this I would like for you to answer the question I posed about non-doing and external forces a while back. I can repeat it if necessary.
I asked two "questions", one about the upheaval (which I want to get to) and here is the other one: "I am wondering about external circumstantial pressures whether societal or through relationship and how "non-doing" or "being" was reached in such a non-deliberate manner."
In waiting for an answer to come for this question...this image comes up: I'm looking in the mirrors and seeing the image, one after the other, into infinity. I feel it is a good question that I cannot answer. The only "deliberate" practice that provided a focus was the listening to Eckhart Tolle. I have come to understand that nothing we do in our lives is deliberate, intentional, with choice, etc. So, in a way, I can't say that I ever did anything deliberately.
The listening to Eckhart Tolle, in essence, was my meditation practice, though not the catalyst for awakening. I followed what felt good, during this time period. If stressful situations arose in my life situation, I could retreat to listening to his voice. I became aware that the "knowing" was already in my heart, in a sense, getting firmly planted in my heart.
There is most definitely paradox in talking about it. I cannot define this "process" in a way that the mind can grasp. Some words are better than others. The mystery of "why" this happened to me... is still there. One thing led to another, from the time I was born– same for everyone.
I found this very clear– great response and accessible as is. Thank you. I would like to ask you now to tell me why you used the word "upheaval" and tell me what it felt like emotionally and on a feeling level. You needn't go into the external circumstances. I want to hear about emotions and sensations in your body.