Oldriska Balouskova, 3
Interview with Oldriska Balouskova
During those two months, I was living in the house that belonged to my ex-boyfriend's mother. At one point I was with her in the same room and I suddenly felt my love for her and I told her that I love her. She screamed at me: get out of here immediately! She could not stand being told that I loved her. Her response surprised me but it did not upset me.
The state I am in now changes– sometimes an awareness of myself as awareness/consciousness is at the center of my perception of reality, and sometimes that awareness is more in the background. I do not feel those amazing healing powers at the moment. Not to that extent. That was pure magic. Do you?
It was nice to hear of the repelling effect. You are asking if I feel amazing healing powers at present. It made me laugh. Without going into too much detail, I must say that my commitment to the present moment and honesty is pretty strong. In the face of conflict and difficulty I rarely go into my head any more. I instead process the pain in the moment.
I have some deep trust issues that are still being healed. As I continue to heal, to this same extent do I see it reflected– mirrored in my encounters with others. I am eager to ask a few questions about your current practice. However, I have two more questions to ask first. You wrote about how you tried very hard at meditation at one point and then finally chose to just let go of the struggle.
There are many accounts of individuals having crazy determination then finally dropping it all– which paradoxically triggered a spiritual awakening of sorts. There is even a metaphor of an apple (like an ego) needing to ripen until it falls naturally from the tree. The ego being developed and focused on until the ego-mind state is intolerable. Do you believe that trying hard was a necessary stage for you to go through?
Since I had to go through it, it must have been necessary– but perhaps if I had met someone deeply present at that time, perhaps they could have communicated to me what meditation is truly about.
Do you feel that growing up in an oppressive environment (meditation being illegal) made you that much more clear on overcoming both inner and outer oppression– to set yourself free?
Meditation was not technically illegal but everything spiritual was basically taboo. Yes, I was always very aware of the oppression– far more than my peers– more sensitive to it. And it did make me love freedom/truth more than anything.